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THE 10 COMMANDMENTS FOR A RECOVERING SEX OFFENDER by Jake Goldenflame
1. OVERCOME THE DESTRUCTIVE SIDE OF YOURSELF
We are people who have done terrible things. We have grievously injured many, some perhaps for the rest of their lives. If we do not grasp those facts—and do not have any feeling of sorrow for our victims—there is no way we can ever return to the community and be accepted by it. Remorse is the first step toward community reintegration.
That’s not to say that we should bury ourselves in a shame so deep that it discourages us from believing that we can ever be anything other than what we have been. All too often, shame alone does nothing more than leave us wallowing in self-pity, which is useless.
Don’t let your focus be on yourself but on others, and allow yourself instead to have a strong and permanent sense of abiding regret—not for what’s happened to you, but to them because of you. For that regret, which others call remorse, will become the first wall in keeping you from ever harming anyone else again.
See yourself now as you are: as a person instead of just as a person ruled by an urge. Be more than an ‘offender.’ Think of yourself, instead, as someone whose life has given them an enormous opportunity to become heroic by overcoming the destructive side of yourself.
Live like a warrior and tame yourself by respecting the power of your sexual urges. Never let yourself go into the world with urges that are still gathering power.
2. CHOOSE YOUR ASSOCIATES CAREFULLY SO THAT YOU AREN'T MENTALLY CONTAMINATED BY THEM.
We become part of everyone with whom we travel and the sum of every journey we take. Choose where you go carefully and with whom you wish to sojourn, for by the end of the journey each of you will be a part of the other.
If you allow yourself to fall back into the same old haunts and return to running around with the same kind of people to play the same old games as you did before you were convicted, it is as certain as tomorrow’s sunrise that you will be convicted again.
Associate with people who inspire you to have a richer life.
3. BEHAVE ONLY AS A GUEST IN THE COMMUNITY AND NOT AS AN EQUAL TO THE REST OF ITS MEMBERS. RESPECT NOT JUST THE COMMUNITY'S LAWS, BUT ITS SENSITIVITIES.
If you are a convicted rapist, don't believe that you have a 'right' to go to the same running trails that women use. If you are a convicted child molester, don't insist upon living right next door or in the same neighborhood where children play. If there’s a park near your residence where children play, make a voluntary sacrifice and find another park for yourself.
This is not the time to test your new strength at the expense of the community’s fears. For now, just content yourself with earning its toleration of your presence. Acceptance will come later. Don’t try to force people into welcoming you by imposing yourself on them.
4. PRACTICE SELF-DISCLOSURE ABOUT YOUR PAST.
Don’t be afraid to tell people about your past. You’ll be thanked for doing so afterwards, if you do it humbly. Human beings are amazingly forgiving if you are willing to trust them and they are forever suspicious if they find out about you on their own.
You don’t have to tell everyone. Just tell those who offer the hand of friendship. Any time you realize that a person is about to go from being an acquaintance to becoming a friend, ask them to pause a moment. Tell them how much you appreciate their company. Then, confess that, out of respect for them, there is something you must tell them that they have a right to know. Assure them that if, after they’ve heard it, they don’t want to associate with you anymore, you’ll accept that and respect their right not to do so.
Then, in the simplest possible terms, tell them about your past. For example: “A number of years ago (whenever) I did something that I regret very much. I (molested a child/forced a woman, etc). I’ve been convicted for it, as I should have been. Since that time, I’ve been in counseling (or “I’m now in counseling”) so that it never happens again. I regret it ever happened and I seek to live a much better life now. But I felt that you had a right to know about it. Thank you for hearing me out.”
I have never yet been rejected by anyone to whom I have made such a disclosure and, instead, am able to count them as members of an ever-widening support group within my community that encourages my continued recovery.
You can do the same and never have to fear that others are going to find out about you on their own.
5. RESPECT THE LAW: STAY REGISTERED.
Registration protects us as well as the community. It keeps the community safe by letting others know who we are, and it keeps us safe by reminding us of who we have been so that we do not become that kind of person again.
Its alternatives are not better. Calls have already been heard, in this country and abroad, to have all convicted sex offenders confined in the same place, far away from the community, in special camps of their own from which they could never leave.
It’s called preventative detention and it could be done. At the beginning of World War II, the United States forced over 100,000 of its Japanese-born American citizens into “relocation camps.” Don’t think it couldn’t happen again.
You have the power to prevent that. Every time you walk into a police station to register or re-register, you are casting another vote against preventative detention by demonstrating that you are a law-abiding person who doesn’t need to be confined.
6. KEEP HEALING
“…maintenance is forever.”
Marques, J.K., Murrey, C.L. and O’Connor, D.M., AN INNOVATIVE TREATMENT PROGRAM FOR SEX OFFENDERS Report to the Legislature in Response to 1983/84 Budget Act Item 4440-011-001, State of California.
According to the most accurate figures currently available, therapy for sex offenders often wears off over time. This suggests that it’s to our own benefit to remain in some kind of permanent maintenance program. A list of national and international organizations for sexual addicts that offers self-recovery programs appears below. Use them, or counseling programs equivalent to them. Consciousness is all we’ve got. Taking care of it is our highest calling.
7. MAKE AMENDS TO YOUR VICTIMS, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD HARM THEM OR OTHERS.
Unless they have made it clear that they do not wish to hear from you, have your former victims contacted through a trustworthy third party--e.g. your minister or legal representative--and given a letter of apology from you.
Leave it to your former victims to decide if they would then like to meet with you to discuss what happened in the past.
If they choose to permit a meeting with you, use a professional victim/offender mediator if you can (such as those available through the recognized organizations listed under Restorative Justice Resources below) so that the meeting may be one where the risk is minimal that either of you will be injured further by it.
Prepare yourself to express your regret, your sense of responsibility for what you did and your concern for your victim’s future well being.
Do whatever you can to contribute to their further healing. But do not look to them to gain a forgiveness you can only earn by yourself by serving many others over a long period of time.
If your victim does not want to meet with you, leave them in peace for that is making amends to them too.
8. COOPERATE WITH YOUR COMMUNITY AND WORK WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS.
Be willing to participate in any community meeting about you to which you are invited and, when attending, be honest, polite and courteous in your responses to any questions you may be asked.
Understand that many people will be as afraid of you as you are of them. Be prepared to answer their concerns about you. Be open and willing to remain accountable to them whenever you encounter any of them in your daily life.
No matter how angry or hurt any of them may be (for some of them may also be former victims of sexual abuse by others), accept them as your guardians, for it is their watchfulness that will cause you to be watchful about yourself. And that is what will keep you out of prison.
9. FORGIVE ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ABUSED YOU, AND BECOME A LAMP OF FORGIVENESS TO THE ENTIRE KINGDOM.
In every tragedy, life is always asking us one question: “Do you still love me?” Like it or not, life is our lover and if we will not forgive what she sometimes does to us her name is Hell.
Were I to meet-up again with the person who first molested me, I would neither sue nor prosecute him, for that would only make him a burden on his family.
I do not consider myself his "victim." I consider myself as having been the recipient of a damaging process that came through him after beginning a long, long time before he ever came into my life.
Were I to encounter him again, I would say nothing about our past unless he were now in a position to harm others, in which case I would then report him. For victims who only seek vengeance become abusers themselves and you cannot fix your own life by wrecking anyone else’s.
10. ESTABLISH SEXUAL GOVERNMENT.
Know what triggers your offending and outwit it. If you feel lonely, find the joy of being with yourself. If you are feeling low, ask yourself why you think your life should be the only one not to have any suffering in it.
Avoid situations of known temptation and have escape strategies in place when they occur. Accept as fact that urges to act inappropriately come to everyone. Don’t fear such urges. All it takes to establish sexual government is remembering that, before there’s an urge, there’s a self to hear it.
Be that self. For, so long as you remain self-governing, no one else shall govern you.
___________________________
RECOVERY RESOURCES AVAILABLE TO SEX OFFENDERS
(The following is provided for information-only and not as an endorsement. No liability is assumed for the use of the following service providers and viewers choosing to use them do so at their own risk.)
THE NATIONAL INSTITUTE FOR THE STUDY, PREVENTION AND TREATMENT OF SEXUAL TRAUMA
FRED S. BERLIN, M.D., PH.D., DIRECTOR.
Offering Group Therapy for Persons with Sexual Disorders; Individual counseling, Couples counseling and family counseling, victim evaluations for those who may have been sexually traumatized, offender counseling and therapy. A sliding scale of fees is available for victims based upon documentation of financial need. Website
The SHARPER FUTURE Program. Formal evaluations, Group and individual therapy for those requiring help as offenders, in San Francisco and Los Angeles, furnished by private therapists. For further details go to: www.sharperfuture.com or phone (415) 397-6622 or write Sharper Future at 870 Market Street, Ste 1277, San Francisco CA 94102
SEX ADDICTION SCREENING TEST of 25 questions with self-scoring guide to determine whether there are issues of sexual addiction requiring exploration with a professional clinician; link to list of clinics, therapists, publishers and some 12 Step Groups. (Online resource of Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., editor of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity) TEST
SEXUAL RECOVERY INSTITUTE
822 S. Robertson Blvd., Suite 303
Los Angeles, CA 90035
Tele.(310) 360-6130
Website: www.sexualrecovery.com
With staff trained by the Patrick Carnes people, the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles provides Assessment and Treatment services for individuals as well as spouse, partner, or couples. Group and Individual counseling available. For further details, go to their website which offers a more complete description.
Clinical Training programs for professionals are also available.
PROFESSIONAL REFERRALS
ASSOCIATION FOR THE TREATMENT OF SEXUAL ABUSERS (ATSA)
4900 SW Griffith Drive, Suite 274
Beaverton, Oregon 97005
Makes referrals to qualified psychotherapists, clinicians and other professionals among its members throughout the United States and abroad who adhere to its ethical standards and provide recognized treatment to sex offenders.
Tele. (503) 643-1023
ATSA Website
E-mail: atsa@atsa.com
THE SAFER SOCIETY FOUNDATION
P.O. Box 340
Brandon, Vt. 05733-0340
Tele. (802) 247-5141
Monday thru Fridays
9:00 A.M. to 5:00 P.M. E.T.
A nonprofit agency for the prevention and treatment of sexual abuse which also offers referrals to therapists for those requesting the same.
Web Site
STOP IT NOW!
351 Pleasant Street, Suite B # 319
Northampton, MA 01060
Tele. (413) 587-3500
Web Site
runs a toll-free confidential helpline open five days a week, 9 to 5, offering information and referrals to those requesting the same.
SEXUAL ABUSE TREATMENT PROGRAM (SATP) Canada
39 Stirling Ave., N.
Kitchener, ON N2H 3G4
Offender Program and Survivor Program. Educational Groups, Process Groups, Partners Program, Referrals, Speakers Bureau. Special program available for federally sentenced women helps with reintegrating them into their communities across Ontario.
Tele. (519) 744-6549
Fax (519) 744-2172
Email: cjiwr@cjiwr.com
WEBSITE: www.cjiwr.com
NATIONAL ADOLESCENT PERPETRATION NETWORK
Kempe Children's Center
University of Colorado Health Sciences Center
1825 Marion
Denver, Colorado 80218
A cooperative network of professionals working with sexually abusive youth in the United States and abroad. Facilitates communication among those treating children and adolescents who are at risk of becoming chronic sex offenders. Provides information and referrals upon request.
Tele. (303) 864-5252
FAX (303) 864-5179
E-mail: ryan.gail@tchden.org
Web site: NAPN
SEXUAL ADDICTION SELF-RECOVERY ORGANIZATIONS
SEXAHOLICS ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 111910
Nashville, TN 37222
Tele. (615) 331-6230
E-MAIL INQUIRIES
S-ANON INTERNATIONAL FAMILY GROUPS
Post Office Box 11242
Nashville, TN 37222-1242
Tele. (615) 833-3152
FAX (615) 331-6901
SEX ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 70949
Houston, TX 77270
Tele. (713) 869-4902
Tele. (713) 869-4902
E-MAIL INQUIRIES
SEX AND LOVE ADDICTS ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 650010
West Newton, MA 02165-0010
Tele. (617) 332-1845
E-MAIL INQUIRIES
RECOVERING COUPLES ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 11872
St. Louis, Missouri 63105
Tele. (314) 397-0867, (314) 830-2600
FAX (314) 397-1319, (314) 830-2670
Website
COSA (Partners)
9337-B Katy Freeway
Suite 142
Houston, TX 77024
Tele. (612) 537-6904
SEXUAL RECOVERY ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 72044
4429 Kingway
Burnaby,B.C.
VSH 4P9,Canada
SEXUAL COMPULSIVES ANONYMOUS
Post Office Box 1585
Old Chelsea Station
New York, NY 10011
Tele. (800) 977-HEAL
(212) 606-3778 (New York City & International)
Website
RESTORATIVE JUSTICE RESOURCES
UNITED KINGDOM:
The National Association for the Care
And Resettlement of Offenders (NACRO)
169 Clapham Road
London SW9 0PU
Tel. 071 582 6500
Concerned with the welfare and rehabilitation of offenders and the welfare of their families. Actively engaged with community mediation and family group conferencing.
The Scottish Association for the Care
And Resettlement of Offenders (SACRO)
31 Palmerston Place
Edinburgh EH12 5AP
Tel. 0131 226 4222
AUSTRALIA:
Transformative Justice Australia
2/115 Curlewis St
Bondi Beach 2026
New South Wales
Australia
Tel. 61 2 9130-2481
Fax 61 2 9130-2303
Website
NEW ZEALAND:
Restorative Justice Trust
P.O. Box 105-410
Auckland, New Zealand
Tele. (649) 303-1955
Fax (649) 303-1956
email: restore@clear.net.nz
The Relationships Foundation
Formerly The Jubilee Policy Group
Christian think-tank advocating relationships and need to repair them between victim and offender in aftermath of crime.
Jubilee House
3 Hooper Street
Cambridge CB1 2NZ
Tel. 01223 566333
CANADA:
CIRCLES OF SUPPORT & ACCOUNTABILITY
#6 Trinity Square, third floor
Toronto, Ontario M5G 1B1
Tele. 416 596 9341
A community reintegration project sponsored by the Mennonite Community to assist convicted sex offenders being released from prison with reintegrating themselves into society while remaining self-controlled. Presently operates primarily in Ontario province but willing to assist other communities elsewhere in creating similar projects they can operate themselves through their own faith-based organizations.
E-mail: eileenh@mennonitecc.on.ca
James Bonta, Ph.D.
Solicitor General Canada
340 Laurier Avenue West
Ottawa, Ontario
K1A 0P8
Tel 613 991 2831
Fax 613 990 9295
E-mail: bontaj@sgc.gc.ca
UNITED STATES:
Victim Offender Mediation Association (VOMA)
c/o Center for Policy, Planning & Performance
2233 University Ave W, Suite 300
St Paul MN 55114
Tele.(612) 874-0570
FAX 651-644-4227
E-mail: voma@voma.org
VOMA Web Site
Center for Restorative Justice & Peacemaking
University of Minnesota
School of Social Work
1404 Gortner Ave, 105 Peters Hall
St. Paul MN 55108-6160
Tele. (612) 624-4923
FAX (612) 625-8224
E-mail: rjp@tlcmail.che.umn.edu
Website
PRISON FAMILIES ANONYMOUS
A support system for families who now have or ever had a loved one involved in the juvenile or criminal justice system. Support group meetings available.
Prison Families Anonymous
45 Prairie Drive, N. Babylon,NY 11703 or E-mail: allanpfa@optonline.net
PRO-RECOVERY ORGANIZATIONS AND PUBLICATIONS
Justice Connections, a joint publication of the International Association for Restorative Justice and Dialogue and the Practitioners Research and Scholarship Institute
Welcomes contributions, short articles, literature reviews, case studies, program news and other information.
Send submissions to:
Editor Russ Immarigeon
563 Route 21
Hillsdale, NY 12529
Tel. (518) 325 5925
E-mail to: russimmarigeon@taconic.net
SEXUAL ABUSE TREAMENT ALLIANCE promotes education and political action through its program on behalf of everyone effected by sexual abuse. Publishes newsletter, SATA-SORT News, four times a year, with contributions from offenders in custody and others. For more information, write:
SATA-SORT News
P.O. Box 1191
Okemos, MI 48805-1191
CALIFORNIA COALITION AGAINST SEXUAL ASSAULT
For Victims of Sexual Assault. An advocacy and referral organization connected with rape crisis centers throughout California.
E-mail: info@calcasa.org or Phone (916) 446-2520
Mailing Address: CALCASA, 1215 K Street, Suite 1100, Esquire Plaza, Sacramento, CA 95814 __________________________________________________________________________
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